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Literature by pi1010

Writings by jamyjamj


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Submitted on
June 1, 2012
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Sometimes I feel like I'm stranded in a country that speaks
A language I don't speak.
a language I cannot speak.

There's a glimpse of vision in my heart that tells me
that I need to impact this place
and bring good to this society.

I thought I can blend in.
I thought I can represent a difference.
But I can't.

At the end everything I did was running around
Running away from others,
running away from myself,
running away from demands and rules I cannot understand.

I walk around and wander aimlessly
I expose myself to dangers and unknownness.


All just to find
Someone who speaks my language.
Someone who understands me.


At the end, I guess that's all I really want.
This is not a proper poetry, kay peeps? I'm not a poet and I don't even know how the hell one should be, but a voice in my heart told me, "submit this poetry", and thus I did.

I don't even friggin know if I submitted in teh right category, so anyone with a better understanding in this matter do enlighten me.

-This writey-doodley is NOT talking about a literal "country", "culture" or "language". The words are just used symbolically. I have no problem at all with my current country or languages, I love Australia!-
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:iconeuroneet:
EuroNeet Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012
I've been feeling a lot like this recently...and sometimes, I just want to quit. But you know, it is a good feeling to know that you aren't alone, isn't it? :)
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes, it's not just a feeling either. It's a fact.
Reply
:iconfly-gonz:
Fly-gonz Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012
I feel like you're imposing your will on the reader. Especially the last lines, you explicitly leave the meaning of your poem, leaving no space for the reader to respond. Secondly, it feels inconsistent in places. Inconsistency is good if it has a purpose, but I can't discern one here. What I mean is "A language I don't speak / a language I cannot speak" should be "A language I do not speak / A language I cannot speak" or "A language I don't speak / A language I can't speak." Since 'cannot' is 2 syllables and 'don't' is 1, this inconsistency changes the rhythm structure of your poem. Using a consistent choice (do not / cannot or don't / can't) brings more rhythm to the poem and eases the reading of your poem. Finally, a lot of the language can be used more efficiently. Repetition slows the reader down and unless that is the intended effect, it should be removed. For example, "I walk around" implies "wander aimlessly" and in fact, "wander aimlessly" is strong descriptor that's weakened by "walk around" as the reader has already been slowed down. In addition, the fourth stanza can be faster by simply using "Running away from others, / myself, demands, and rules / that I cannot understand," this communicates what you would like to tell the reader, except with a little more flow.

All in all, I feel like this poem has a very heartfelt idea behind it. That makes it a good poem, although certain technical issues are preventing it from being a great poem.
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Imposing? More like expressing my thoughts. But then again I don't have any idea on what poems should do so I just do what I feel right.

The consistency part is pretty interesting, I will keep it in mind.....that is if I'm doing another one.

And I thought repetition is a style of poetry? This was shorter at first, but I decided to make it more "poetry-like" by repetiting some important parts.

However, thanks, it's nice to get a feedback from someone who really knows poetry. I really didn't intend this to be a good literature, I just feel like writing that's all :)
Reply
:iconfly-gonz:
Fly-gonz Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012
What I mean by imposing is that your job as a poet isn't to show the reader your point. Rather than guide. The following link is my favourite example of this, link: [link]

You're being guided about the meaning, purpose, and direction of life in this poem. There's a very fine line between what's guiding and what seems "showing" (or my word, imposing).

For the repetition, I'm not you, therefore, I can only suggest. Although, before you use certain devices (e.g., repetition) you should examine your poems with various literary techniques (imagery, rhyme, diction, etc., etc.), read it to yourself a few times, and take the devices that you find supports your central theme the most.

Write more! It's fun! Trust me! xd =.=
Anyway, sorry if I sound condescending at times, writers are trained to do that. >.<
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I always see myself more of a debater than a poet, so I guess it's true. I prefer to state my point rather than let the reader ponder, at least in the written medium....

I understand. Too bad I really am not into writing that much, otherwise I'd be sure to make another work with your feedbacks in mind. :)
Reply
:iconjoe9320:
joe9320 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Mau teh?
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
ini teh susu
Reply
:iconhyrika:
Hyrika Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I can relate to this as well lol~ But I think I'm more of a wimp preferring myself to be more a "loner" because I fear in socializing with people even with own friends thus resulting myself in trying to scape from people around me even myself. XD;;

Hope you'd feel better soon tho, cheer up!
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Heya, fancy seeing you here. Long time no see.

Why fear? You already got all these friends who speaks the same language with you ;)
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:iconhyrika:
Hyrika Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
No kid, my dA is dying for sure ; A ;

I'm pretty paranoid I guess? When it comes to the fact that I could've said really blunt and such lol~ tried too hard to be funny just so I can "blend in" XDD;
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Well then don't try too hard. You don't have to be funny to "blend in". Just do and say whatever you feel like ;)
Reply
:iconinbetweenmemories:
InBetweenMemories Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012
Ahaha, I like it. In a way, it makes me think of society these days. It's so...well, words can't explain it.
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
It's because it IS about society, hehe
Reply
:iconinbetweenmemories:
InBetweenMemories Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012
Society is so...plain and boring in my opinion ._.
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Why, it really is.
Reply
:iconkaihitanji:
KaiHitanji Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Writer
For some reason, your poetry wants me to make one that would enlighten it. Your poetry holds a lot of meaning, I assure you, since it makes sense.

Sometimes our trials are not that easy, especially if you are not from that place. We do our best to fit in, and as a result, peer pressure is shown, bringing us down. We can't really make a good impact to others, even to our country, since there are more than trillions of people around the world just like us who wants to give a great impression. We don't do what people do, especially if we are new to the game, so we just go with the flow and become careful on what we do. We are scared that we may be different, too different to other people around us, even to our friends and family, yet we try our hardest to impress them all, yet we don't notice the internal effects of our actions towards them, and if we make a wrong move, we try to be alone and solve it by ourselves, since we caused the problem in the first place. It is not easy fixing the problem we make, since the first thing we must do is to change ourselves. For so many risks, we want to find something, something related to our dreams, related to our goals, related to our future. We don't really know what we really wanted, since we do not set our minds to what we really wanted. Just like me, I don't really have a dream course in college, even though I picked one out. My dream is to explore the world by myself and know the lives of people in that place, try their culture and food, experience the fresh air and scenery, walk around magnificent wonders, and many more; and in case someone is with me or a group, I would explore with them, composing of beautiful and awesome memories of us together at that place. Even if we live a far, that strong connection between us will never fade, as well as the memories we all shared with each other. At the end of the day, we cry, because those memories are fragments of our true happiness and dream should be.

-Note to self... Not going to say this again XDDD-
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Why, thank you for taking such the time to write those all, man. I sure appreciate it. ;)

I envy you guys who doesn't have a concrete dream and is free to try whatever you're interested in the spot.
Reply
:iconkaihitanji:
KaiHitanji Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Writer
No problem ;)

Sometimes what we do can lead to our dreams that we don't actually knew, and for some people, they just go with the flow. We are not really perfect to know what we wanted to be and have, but with the things and people around us, we will be able to realize what our dreams and goals are to be.
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Student General Artist
you sure a wise one.
Reply
:iconkaihitanji:
KaiHitanji Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Student Writer
I not really that wise, but only experienced things just like you. :)
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Student General Artist
You are not just experiencing things, you are aware of things.
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:iconkaihitanji:
KaiHitanji Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Student Writer
R-right~ Sorry about that. And thank you for the tips, Will. :)
Reply
:iconaetherya:
Aetherya Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sometimes. I think I feel something similar, although not in your exact symbolism... :D
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Food can be presented in many different ways but at the end it's all about the nutrition inside. :)
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:iconaetherya:
Aetherya Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you put it that way :XD:
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I always put things my way. That's the only way you can understand the world :)
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:iconaetherya:
Aetherya Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's true!
Reply
:iconvodkaffee:
vodkaffee Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist
looks like proper poetry, and a good one also
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Glas you think so :)
Reply
:iconkeigoniwa:
KeigoNiwa Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
For the record, i pretty sure this can be considered "Proper Poetry". I mean really a poem can be almost anything really, as long as it's metaphorical and is organized in a way that it's easy to read. *At least, that what all the poems I've ever read have been like. I've never read a poem that was straight-foward and in paragraphs XD*

Thank you for making this poem easy to understand.... I usually don't like poetry because i don't understand what's being said, but this was down to earth. I like it, good job :3
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Ah glad to know :)

It's not that I make it easy to understand. I just don't want to bother looking for bigger words to convey it. I'm not good with words afterall ;)
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:iconpeachnewt:
peachnewt Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Right category, and right words. Well done.

It seems like something we all try to find in life, someone who speaks the same language, gets the in jokes you only thought you understood. Sometimes they're your best friend, sometimes its that stranger you met halfway across a country.

But there is nothing that says you and another can't create their own unique language from scratch. ^_^
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Well too bad for me the chance of the person being "a stranger from far far away" is much bigger than "a friend I can actually meet".

And you can't really make it from scratch, because all the interests and characters that contributes to it goes with you since birth.

But why thank you :)
Reply
:iconelenamegan:
ElenaMegan Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Student Digital Artist
This is a good poetry, but the feeling of drifting may not meant about getting lost in another culture. Perhaps it is more about other self, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of finding common things, as if we speak our 'language'.
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes, this poem is not about culture either. It's just used symbolically.
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:iconsiyeh75:
siyeh75 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012
It is a wonderful poem, mate! I enjoyed it very much! Don't apologize for it.
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh I'm glad ^^
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:iconsea2sea:
sea2sea Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012   Writer
This is actually really good. It's written well, but more importantly it stirs something inside, and that's what poetry is supposed to do (:

Ah, those folders are so confusing, that's why I just post all my poetry as "emotional" XD
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks! :D

Well I just happen to check each folders and found a rather suitable one.
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:iconsea2sea:
sea2sea Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012   Writer
You're welcome

mm
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:iconsecretlygray:
SecretlyGray Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012
this is beautiful!
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks :D
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:iconwingmccallister:
WingMcCallister Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's already better than at least half of the stuff I receive in my writing contest.
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:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Probably because it came from the heart instead of something that people just make up in order to sound cool and impress people.
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:iconwingmccallister:
WingMcCallister Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Perhaps. :P
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