Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
June 1, 2012
File Size
891 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
400 (1 today)
Favourites
8 (who?)
Comments
46
Downloads
16
×
Sometimes I feel like I'm stranded in a country that speaks
A language I don't speak.
a language I cannot speak.

There's a glimpse of vision in my heart that tells me
that I need to impact this place
and bring good to this society.

I thought I can blend in.
I thought I can represent a difference.
But I can't.

At the end everything I did was running around
Running away from others,
running away from myself,
running away from demands and rules I cannot understand.

I walk around and wander aimlessly
I expose myself to dangers and unknownness.


All just to find
Someone who speaks my language.
Someone who understands me.


At the end, I guess that's all I really want.
This is not a proper poetry, kay peeps? I'm not a poet and I don't even know how the hell one should be, but a voice in my heart told me, "submit this poetry", and thus I did.

I don't even friggin know if I submitted in teh right category, so anyone with a better understanding in this matter do enlighten me.

-This writey-doodley is NOT talking about a literal "country", "culture" or "language". The words are just used symbolically. I have no problem at all with my current country or languages, I love Australia!-
Add a Comment:
 
:iconeuroneet:
EuroNeet Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012
I've been feeling a lot like this recently...and sometimes, I just want to quit. But you know, it is a good feeling to know that you aren't alone, isn't it? :)
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes, it's not just a feeling either. It's a fact.
Reply
:iconfly-gonz:
Fly-gonz Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012
I feel like you're imposing your will on the reader. Especially the last lines, you explicitly leave the meaning of your poem, leaving no space for the reader to respond. Secondly, it feels inconsistent in places. Inconsistency is good if it has a purpose, but I can't discern one here. What I mean is "A language I don't speak / a language I cannot speak" should be "A language I do not speak / A language I cannot speak" or "A language I don't speak / A language I can't speak." Since 'cannot' is 2 syllables and 'don't' is 1, this inconsistency changes the rhythm structure of your poem. Using a consistent choice (do not / cannot or don't / can't) brings more rhythm to the poem and eases the reading of your poem. Finally, a lot of the language can be used more efficiently. Repetition slows the reader down and unless that is the intended effect, it should be removed. For example, "I walk around" implies "wander aimlessly" and in fact, "wander aimlessly" is strong descriptor that's weakened by "walk around" as the reader has already been slowed down. In addition, the fourth stanza can be faster by simply using "Running away from others, / myself, demands, and rules / that I cannot understand," this communicates what you would like to tell the reader, except with a little more flow.

All in all, I feel like this poem has a very heartfelt idea behind it. That makes it a good poem, although certain technical issues are preventing it from being a great poem.
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Imposing? More like expressing my thoughts. But then again I don't have any idea on what poems should do so I just do what I feel right.

The consistency part is pretty interesting, I will keep it in mind.....that is if I'm doing another one.

And I thought repetition is a style of poetry? This was shorter at first, but I decided to make it more "poetry-like" by repetiting some important parts.

However, thanks, it's nice to get a feedback from someone who really knows poetry. I really didn't intend this to be a good literature, I just feel like writing that's all :)
Reply
:iconfly-gonz:
Fly-gonz Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012
What I mean by imposing is that your job as a poet isn't to show the reader your point. Rather than guide. The following link is my favourite example of this, link: [link]

You're being guided about the meaning, purpose, and direction of life in this poem. There's a very fine line between what's guiding and what seems "showing" (or my word, imposing).

For the repetition, I'm not you, therefore, I can only suggest. Although, before you use certain devices (e.g., repetition) you should examine your poems with various literary techniques (imagery, rhyme, diction, etc., etc.), read it to yourself a few times, and take the devices that you find supports your central theme the most.

Write more! It's fun! Trust me! xd =.=
Anyway, sorry if I sound condescending at times, writers are trained to do that. >.<
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I always see myself more of a debater than a poet, so I guess it's true. I prefer to state my point rather than let the reader ponder, at least in the written medium....

I understand. Too bad I really am not into writing that much, otherwise I'd be sure to make another work with your feedbacks in mind. :)
Reply
:iconjoe9320:
joe9320 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Mau teh?
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
ini teh susu
Reply
:iconhyrika:
Hyrika Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I can relate to this as well lol~ But I think I'm more of a wimp preferring myself to be more a "loner" because I fear in socializing with people even with own friends thus resulting myself in trying to scape from people around me even myself. XD;;

Hope you'd feel better soon tho, cheer up!
Reply
:iconradenwa:
RadenWA Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Heya, fancy seeing you here. Long time no see.

Why fear? You already got all these friends who speaks the same language with you ;)
Reply
Add a Comment: